


ease my mind

by calvinahobbes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 23:49:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21382612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calvinahobbes/pseuds/calvinahobbes
Summary: He's just been following mindlessly along, clowning through the city like a third wheel as Phil and Stephen head towards what comes next.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 23
Kudos: 88





	ease my mind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [autumnhearth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnhearth/gifts).

> Happy belated birthday, Autumn! I appreciate you SO much, I hope you will like this <3
> 
> Thank you, ahappyphil, for beta!! <3
> 
> Title is from the song by Ben Platt.

Once Dan starts thinking about it, he doesn't really understand how he's been fine the whole day.

He has fun watching through the camera lens as Phil and Stephen carouse through Manchester. He gets to call out instructions and things like "it's in the can" and "one more for edits". There's a sense of pride he feels in the way Stephen just effortlessly includes him, even listens to him.

He enjoys himself because Manchester already feels familiar to him. He knows the places they're going, and he enjoys hearing Phil tell the tales Dan has already heard before. It's like watching back your favourite comedy sketches. You know the jokes are coming, but they're still funny the second or even billionth time around. 

Maybe it's just Phil. He makes everything fun. He makes old jokes sound new. He looks into the camera like he's looking directly at Dan, and Dan doesn't feel excluded.

Stupid. He's been stupid the whole day.

He hasn't been thinking. He's just been following mindlessly along, clowning through the city like a third wheel as Phil and Stephen head towards what comes next. What comes after Apple Store photos and Sky Bars and ferris wheels and recording silly videos.

They're in Stephen's room (at the right Premier Inn, not the one Phil first took them to this morning), recording the final bits late at night when Dan realises what an idiot he's been.

Phil and Stephen are huddled together in front of the TV stand, camera balanced precariously there. It's time for Phil to propose they move ApartmentRED to Manchester and for Stephen to be a dick about declining. 

As Stephen makes his speech about Dublin being the proper home for the project, Phil holds up Lion who attacks. Stephen squeals and Phil growls and the two of them go over sideways out of shot, piling on top of each other on the hotel room floor laughing.

Dan sees them like everything is happening in slow motion. There's a wash of something all through his body that he can't describe. It feels cold like fear and then hot like fire, and then it settles in his stomach and throat like a barrel full of eels. 

Phil and Stephen continue chatting. They move up on the bed to huddle next to Dan and watch the footage back. They're discussing angles and clip lengths and their fringes blend together as they bend over the tiny screen. Dan thinks he answers when they ask him questions. He thinks maybe he smiles and laughs.

He knows that when Stephen hugs him goodbye it's a long, emphatic one. He doesn't do any of the things straight boys would do, like try to slap Dan's back or angle his crotch awkwardly away. Stephen is so nice. Dan watches carefully when he hugs Phil. 

He watches Phil's face, but he realises then that he has no clue what to look for. The thought of how little he really knows Phil's face makes him want to scream or maybe just cry. 

How can he understand so little about the emotions on a face that has been so close to his own? That has been fused to his own for hours, to his neck, his... 

Phil continues to be in a good mood on the bus back to Rawtenstall. He's babbling about their day, about Stephen, and about how he's sorry that Charlie bailed on him.

"I mean, now he's just stuck there all alone in that hotel room for the night. I would be sad."

"Would you?"

"Yeah! He thought he'd get to be with Charlie, and now he's just stuck watching TV."

"I guess you'd know."

"What?" 

"What it's like being with Charlie."

Phil is looking at him in a weird way now, so Dan stares out the window. It's completely dark, raindrops crawling across the glass.

"You know that didn't work out."

Dan shrugs.

Phil glances around them before he slides closer. He is warm and solid against Dan's side, and Dan doesn't know why that makes him want to cry but it does.

"Why didn't it work out, again?" he asks past the lump in his throat. He hates asking, even as he does it, but he can't stop himself.

Phil hesitates. He's still looking at Dan, and Dan can practically feel it, his eyes crawling all over his face. He wishes Phil couldn't see him right now. He wishes they were on the phone instead. But then he wouldn't be here, then he would be far away in his rotten room in rotten Wokingham and Phil would be here alone with Stephen.

"Dan... It just. It didn't. Charlie is... difficult. Sometimes."

He hates that he's doing this to Phil, who is always so loyal and careful, and to Charlie because it's not even really about him, Dan knows this. 

"Am I difficult sometimes?" Dan says, even though he knows he is being difficult right now. It's the same kind of impulse that makes him answer back to his dad or belligerently brush past anyone who tries to bully him.

He turns to stare at Phil then, who is looking at him with a hopeless expression. Dan hates himself. He hates that he is the person who has made Phil look so sad, his blue eyes dark in the gloom of the bus, his soft lips closed in a pout, his eyebrows drawn down. It would be comical if it wasn't so awful. Everything is awful because Dan is awful.

"Dan..." Phil says again. His hands are opening and closing as if he wants to reach out but is afraid to. Dan feels like something has died inside him.

"Stephen doesn't seem very difficult," Dan says. He tries to assume a pondering tone, but he thinks his voice just sound icy. Dripping with poison. "Maybe you should just pick Stephen instead. You've already shown him all the sights. Only stop left is your bedroom."

Phil frowns, and Dan can't look at him any more. Here it comes.

"I don't want to pick Stephen! I don't care about Stephen," Phil says. "I don't care about Charlie either. I haven't cared about anyone but you for months." He pauses and his voice drops from high and agitated to low and quiet and private. "I only care about you, Dan."

It's so stupid how such simple words can have such an enormous effect on him. He feels like an idiot even as the words push away all his doubts and insecurities. It's as if they are tiny invisible hands who fly up to his face and yank irresistibly on the corners of his lips. He slides down in his seat and tries to hide his smile against Phil's shoulder.

"Dan..." Phil whispers, mouth terribly close to his face, and there's something hopeless about the tone of his voice. Dan glances up at Phil looking down at him, a wreck of confusion on his face.

"I pick you, Philachu," Dan murmurs and watches avidly, hungrily, as Phil's face splits into a defenceless grin.

"You're so cute," Phil says. It sounds like he means it. It sounds like he is absolutely smitten. 

Dan shakes his head and rests his head properly on Phil's shoulder. "I'm a butthole." He pouts up at Phil. He doesn't understand where all the bad feelings have gone, but they've evaporated like mist and he hardly remembers what they were like now. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You're not a butthole. I like you!"

Dan grins up at him again because he already knows what's coming.

"I like your..."

Phil doesn't say it but Dan still smacks his arm and looks outraged right on cue. "Phil Lester!" he squeals.

"Too soon?" Phil laughs. He sinks back in his seat, smiling to himself. 

There are tiny crinkles around his eyes and his teeth look kind of horsey from this angle and he looks happy, and Dan wishes he could burrow even closer but they're on a bus and wearing clothes and it's impossible. 

"Maybe not," Dan mumbles and then he accidentally laughs loud enough for the entire bus to hear because Phil's head flips around so fast he must surely sprain something.

Phil stares at him. Dan just laughs some more and looks at the rain drops on the window.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. [Like/reblog on tumblr.](https://calvinahobbes.tumblr.com/post/188951525480)


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